Late night seems to be my best time for writing. I haven't written in some time. Well, I did write a post a few weeks ago, but removed it because I was afraid it would have been not read in the proper context. Perhaps I will re-post someday, but not for now. It was a good one though- it had fish tanks, Jane Eyre the Musical and stories of my youth, which contrary to what some believe is not that long ago. Why start blogging again? Nikki told me to do so.
The last few months have been a whirlwind. Someday I will write a book titled, "When You're in the Middle of a Hurricane, Don't Worry About What Your Hair Looks Like." The best way to describe the experience would be to say I feel as if my best friend has died. I have been through the stages of grief and still go through them everyday. Anger, denial, frustration, sadness. I've questioned my abilities, friends, path, everything. There have been lots of tears. Sob, sob, sorry me- move on. I will. Shut up, give me time. Yes, I'm arguing with myself. I'm not sure who is winning.
One thing I have learned Wal-Mart is hell. Especially when you are in the check-out line and your stuck- people want to talk and I don't. I smile and nod a lot and can't wait to get out of there only to be stopped by someone in the parking lot. This general dread of waiting in the Wal-Mart line is something Nikki experiences all the time- just because she hates waiting in line.
No matter what my life style, I will never have normal sleep patterns. I either sleep an extreme amount or hardly at all (thus my typing this at 12:35am.) And the truth is, I wasn't really tired. But it sounds nice.
There are so many things I would love to write, if for no other reason than to just put them out of me. I have learned a lot about myself- the good, the bad and yes, I'm more close to perfect than I realized. There, I got it out. Everyone can breath easier, you no longer have to worry if it is true. I've been heart broken, disillusioned and at the same time been more appreciated by total strangers- and all of it has such an unnecessary sadness to the situation. Years ago I learned the process, purpose and result of the "product" was much more important than the actual "product." That's a whole other post- someday I'll write that one which dates back to 1994. That's when I learned why I did what I do. I know, you're on the edge of your seats. I, myself, am still waiting to see how that one turns out.
So, to please my wife and express my insides, a few musings:
Did you ever see the second Star Wars movie, The Empire Strikes Back? You know that part where Luke Skywalker is going through the swamp carrying Yoda on his back? Yoda was very wise. Lesson: don't carry anyone on your back unless they are wiser than yourself... or they love you a lot. I think Yoda loved Luke too, so it was win-win.
I was pulling weeds in the flower garden outside our house today when an orange looking cat came and sat on the side walk beside me. I spoke to him quite a bit (don't tell Jazzy, he might get jealous.) He understood me, for every so often he would meow. I also said nice things to him. When I was finished, I went to Wal-Mart (dread) to get some light bulbs and when I returned he was sitting in the drive way waiting on me. Lesson: cats like it when you say nice things to them. So do people.
Imagine you had a board with a round hole drilled in it. Now imagine you had a square peg roughly the same size. No matter how hard you try to hammer that square peg into that round hole, it is not going to fit without causing some damage. Lesson: putting things or people in places that do not belong there does nothing good for anyone.
Dr Pepper is good. Ice is good. Put Dr Pepper and ice together and it is very good. Lesson: why have something just because it is there, but make it very good. It might take a little extra effort, but think how refreshing.
A few weeks ago I did Nikki a favor by pulling her hair through a frosting cap. For her, this is a very painful experience because she has a tender head. For me it is a very painful experience because 1.) I am pulling my wife's hair through a frosting cap which is lower on the list than holding her purse in public (but right now, anything to save a buck) and 2.) as I said before, Nikki has a tender head and she gets violent about half way through. I'm sure a couple of times I blacked out, but as some would from time served at war, the experience has been locked away into a place of memory never to be let out. When it was all done and after several touch ups, she was pleased with the result. Lesson: the pain is worth it when something positive is accomplished. Now, that is only half the battle. It is one thing for her to like her hair. When completed, she asked, "What do you think?" I thought it was great (at least from what I could see through the black eyes of the experience) and that made her more pleased. Imagine how she would have felt if she had gone through all of that and all I said was, "it's ok" or "it could have been better." Lesson two: to please yourself should be enough, but to please those that are most important to you is life changing and everlasting. To be affirmed is not being a baby, but gaining confidence to do a job better the next time.
Everyone has regrets in life and anyone that says they don't is lying. One of my biggest regrets is I wish I had learned to tap dance better.
This has been a crazy year. I turned 40 in January. We were supposed to have a show the night of my birthday, but it got cancelled because of an ice storm. In retrospect, I guess that was an insight to the year of being 40 ahead of me.
Have you every seen those plastic, dancing flower pots that move when they are in the sunlight but stay still when they are in the shadows? Yea, me too. Lesson: a metaphor for work ethic for most of the world.
And finally, everyone who ever had the need, desire and drive to be creative had their life changed for the better because of art. Lesson: Duh. That one is self explanatory.