Dear Facebook Users,
Do some of you have jobs? I've never seen so many people have time to play games where they trade cows or grow wheat or some other senseless digital make believe. If you do not have a job, are my taxes paying your well fare while you play these games? If you do have a job, do you realize that when you announce you baby calf gained a pound the time at which the event took place is posted on your satis. Just FYI. Your boss knows if he or she is your FB friend. I never thought I'd see the day when I enjoyed the idea of reading you were going to the grocery store for milk.
Dear Alton Brown,
I know most people find you grating and annoying (alas, they do me as well, my kindred spirit), but I do enjoy you late night food show, "Good Eats." It is entertaining and informative. I really enjoyed last night's episode of various cheese dips. I'm not sure if it was Nikki's fever talking that gave me the giggles or the idea of having a dinner party based only on cheese. Either way, Alton, you entertain me. Thanks for being a late-night pal.
Dear Twilight Saga,
I must confess I had little or no care for you for the past few years. I must, however, say the third movie currently in theatres is quite entertaining. Less angst on the brow and more action in the story. Mostly, thank you for explaining why the character Jasper has an accent and a really weird haircut. I know all you twi-hearts say if I had read the books, I would already know why. But really, think about it. Books? That is so "civil war era"- that's a reference to Jasper. All those that protest should just be happy I remember his name.
For the past decade or so, I have loathed you. Now, your crispy chicken mcnuggets and gold brown fries are my drug of choice beyond the usual Dr. Pepper. I am a McPepper.
Oh, how I love you. Mostly because, dear pants oh how I dislike you.
You know how to make me become obsessed. Oh how you toy with me in you small black box and the mystery of what is within. How long before this phase passes? Nikki hopes soon. I hope never.
Dear Papa's Pizza,
Square pizza- mmmmmmm. I believe you Hughie Lewis, it is hip to be square.
Dear Hostess Chocolate Cupcakes,
With out you, breakfast would be a mere reference to life before 9am or a passing commercial for Denny's. Speaking of Denny's, someday I will have to tell the story of being at a Denny's in Kisseemee Florida at 2am and the waitress assigned to my table having a nervous breakdown in the parking lot while we waited for a basket of chicken strips. I had never eaten at a Denny's before in my life and will probably never go again.
Dear Cats and Dogs, the Revenge of Kitty Galore,
For all your creativity, I still do not plan to see you.
Thank you for the pineapple flavor. Finally, something in life that is good to suck at.